I'm sorry...

Dedicated to the man who do nothing but broke my heart....

You said sorry, and i should forgive you for hurting me
You told me i had no choice but to forgive so i can go on
Saying those things like it was that easy
I forgave you...but then here you go again
Commiting the same mistake and hurt me once again

You're saying you're sorry, and you told me to forgive
And dare me if not...then I should forget us
You are so unfair, It's easy for you to say
Because you are not the one who's hurting
And been hurt again and again..

You asked for forgiveness
And i asked for your sincerity
Asking you to show that you really mean it
But instead you dare me to leave you if i can..

One day you will feel lonely, torn and lost
And as you look around you
You will find yourself alone..

All the people that once cared for you
People who loved you but taken for granted
You will loose them all...

You will try to apologize
But it's too late
You will want me back
But you cannot have me again..

You will cry a river
And you can cry forever
But no amount of tears
Can bring me back to you..

So now I'm the one who will tell you I'm sorry
Sorry because I dont want you anymore
Sorry if you cry
Because honestly I dont care at all...

Now i'm the one who will say sorry
For pushing you away on that door
away from my life completely...

Loosing you is not the end
I will show you how you've mistaken
That I cannot make it till the end
I will stand on my own and fix myself
And wait for the day to see you
As you stumble on your feet and then fall..

Now I'm the one who will say sorry
For I dont love you anymore
You can cry, but i wouldn't care at all...

A letter for you

I wrote this letter because somebody told me that it is, in a way a treatment, sulat ko daw lahat ng nasa loob ko at sama ng loob kung hindi ko man mailabas, in that way kahit papano mababawasan ang bigat ng dibdib ko.

I have so many things in my heart and in my mind that i wanted to say, but hold on to it, para wag na lng humaba, funny isnt it? bakit kung sino pa ang nasaktan siya pa dapat ang magsaalang-alang sa situation para wag ng humaba.

Kung pagsasamahin lahat ng sama ng loob ko siguro naguumapaw na. siguro sasabihin mo, bakit lagi na lng binabalik at hinuhukay pa ang lahat ng nakaraan? it's because those wounds in the past never been heal! why? because until now i'm suffering on those wounds, dun sa mga bunga ng pagkakasala mo sa akin nuon. and also because hindi na settle yun. I just tried to stop talking about it, for the sake of our relationship, pero you never do anything to heal those wounds, kung baga sa sugat di mo ginamot, you let it heal by itself oblivious to the fact that it never heal..instead it gets infected, sa panlabas okay pero if you look within bugbog pa rin ang loob, that 's why pag nasaling masakit pa rin.

In 10 years of us together 3 years being your girlfriend and 7 years of being married, i tried to look for those good memories, and tried to look at those bad in a positive way..like it was a test that make us stronger..or make me stronger...and so i thought...

I guess i can never be stronger, because everytime you break my heart i still break down, there's no such thing as getting used to it, no matter how many times i stumble on my feet and tried to get up, there's another thing coming that tore me apart.

I want to ask you and you dont need to answer me, you can keep the answer by yourself.. When you do things that you know it would hurt me, have you ever had a second thought of doing it? Does the thought of you could hurt me, enough to make you stop from doing it? Regardless of my children..just talking about me, Does it concern you knowing when i found out it will tore me apart? When you know that you break my heart and see my heart shatter, does it breaks yours too, or even crack a little? Have it ever cross your mind living your life without me? that one day it would come, that i will finally give up on you? Does it bother you in some way? even a little?

When you're answer is no to all...then i guess you better told me now...

When you answer yes to all then ...tell me why? why do you always have to do the things that you know it could hurt me.

When I'm saying things that bother's me and what i feel, you will answer me with a question, asking me if i wanted to end it up, daring me if i want this relationship to end, instead of showing even a little remorse, Do you know how it hurts? sometimes saying those things means i needed you to make me feel better, but instead you're adding my misery, i wonder when you will ever understand, i wonder when this misery would end, have you ever had any idea what am i going through? i guess you have none.

DO you know how hard it is to sleep at night? that even in the middle of a phone call ,meals, shower, watching t.v. the pain strikes? even you tried to ignore, there a silent pain aching inside your heart. How it made you envy seeing those happy couples, and ask yourself how can they be so lucky? Asking yourself what should you do, because you were lost.. no one ever comfort you even the one who's responsible why you're broken hearted, and all you can do is comfort yourself...just by yourself..

To the recent issue, can you blame me for remembring those past things you've done? because it is connected and it freshen up all the unheal wounds that i have tried to hide, Remember how you told me not to go up in our room dahil maguusap kayo sa phone? can't remember? exact words: "karen wag ka munang aakyat sa kuwarto kasi maguusap pa kami sa phone." Hindi ako umakyat as you wish...but you have no idea how painful it was. Then you told me halfday ka 6pm ka na umalis, i called you at the hospital dahil may ibibilin ako sayo, sabi ni Dennis, "wala siya pasensiya na di niya nabilin na pag tumawag ka sabihin kong pumasok siya." At nung aalis ka ng madaling araw para makipagkita sa kanya, i'd tried to stop you but you shove me away, and when you got home at 5am, you never even tried to explain, And the video...that video...that after letting you know na nakita ko ano sabi mo? "maganda ba?" then you beat me up giving me a black eye. years after then you burn the video in front of me, knowing one day that you had another copy...

And now....Until now...

You know why I'm saying this to you? To let you know na nasasaktan din ako, if you have no idea that i'm hurting ...then i'm telling you that I'am...so much... like hell! that it is taking me out of my wits...

You said sorry...fine.. But it takes more than saying sorry...You have to prove that you are sorry...really sorry for what have you done to me...from hurting me....how? I dont know how, you should be the one who should think of the ways... Please dont say sorry for the sake of my children...I dont want to have a realtionship just for the sake of them... Do you know that you only adding the pain when you say that?

And when you said sorry be sure you mean that, it's the only time you can think of the ways on how to make up...and when you really mean sorry it means you will never do it again, in any possible way...

Please stop hurting me...I dont know how long i can able to take it...i dont know if i could take another blow... i wanted to raise a white flag and surrender, because honestly...my heart is just like an ordinary heart like all human beings have...Please dont put so much confident on it, because it wasnt that strong as you think..

I need you...I love you more than anyone and anything in this world..so please, I'm begging you please show me and make me feel that all the things i've been thru and presently getting thru was all worth it...That is all worth it..

Rollercoaster ride

Today felt like an emotional rollercoaster, and if my days continue like this, I fear I might lose my sanity. Just yesterday, I reminded myself not to expect too much because the more you expect, the more disappointment follows. So, I decided to take things as they come. This morning, I received great news—I found out that I could have my two wisdom teeth removed for free! Normally, the procedure costs around 3,000 to 5,000 pesos each, but I wouldn’t have to pay anything. I need those teeth extracted so I can finally get braces, something I’ve wanted ever since my permanent teeth came in. Knowing that I was one step closer to achieving that dream made me incredibly happy. I truly thought that nothing could stand in my way anymore. But I was wrong. Just a few minutes ago, I received a phone call telling me that our petition had been denied *again*—for the second and final time. No more appeals. No more chances. We were left with no choice but to accept it. As I tried to process everything, my husband got frustrated with my silence. He called because he needed someone to talk to, but when he didn’t hear me respond right away, he assumed I wasn’t listening. In truth, I *had* replied—he just didn’t hear me. Then he accused me of not wanting him to come home, which couldn’t be further from the truth. He said he didn’t know what to do, that he felt lost, and that he desperately wanted to see our children because he missed them so much. I told him to take one last job and save up, so we’d have something to start with when he returned home. But instead of considering my suggestion, he dismissed it, saying it was *easy* for me to say since I wasn’t the one separated from our kids. Then he suggested that *I* get a visa, work abroad, and let *him* stay with the children—knowing full well that it wasn’t an option since I never got to finish my studies. He always throws that fact in my face, and it hurts every time. I don’t know what he expects me to say. If I say nothing, he assumes I don’t want him to come home. If I tell him to come home, he says it’s easy for me to say. No matter what I do, I can never say the right thing. Every time he’s depressed, I’m the one who has to absorb all his emotions, yet I have no one to confide in myself. When our petition was denied the first time, I refused to get my hopes up during the appeal, knowing how painful the first rejection was. But even though I tried to prepare myself, hearing it for the second time still hurt just as much. I’m grieving too, but he’ll never know that. Because he only sees *his* pain. He never stops to ask how *I* feel. Instead, he judges me—assuming that I don’t feel anything at all. It’s sad. But then again, life has never been fair.

Journey

It''s a long long journey
Till I know where I''m supposed to be
It''s a long long journey
And I don''t know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It''s a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I''ve spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what''s my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you''ll be standing by my side
It''s a long long journey
And I need to be close to you
Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don''t even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can''t see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

Cause It''s a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feel like everything is out to make me lose control
It''s a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you.to you

Reachable?

Does it happen to you? when you feel that your
dreams is in your grab, and then suddenly it
disappeared in your very eyes. Very frustrating
isn't it? It happens to me all the time,when
i thought that i really can have it, it will
vanish, you can feel that it is cm. away from
your hand and justlike a snap! it will gone,
So better not to expect anything to prevent
disappointments, if it happens, it happens.
if not it's not meant to be. You'll be surprise
and before you know it, it's already yours!