As I looked back and remember those things I’ve done for him, I realized that I’ve done so much, as a matter of fact it's too damn much, I even forgot myself, trying so hardto adapt on what he wants and what he needs, all in my mind was, how to make him happy and how to make him satisfied, when he told me that he doesn’t want a “demanding” and “jealous” girlfriend, never really know what exactly he meant that time, he was my first ever boyfriend and I was too young to know how the real world works, later I realized that what he meant for demanding was, not asking for him to be with you and let him see you whenever he wanted or whenever he feels like it, demanding is when you asked him even once in a while to fetch you in school, demanding is when you asked him to meet you even once in a week, so I was demanding that’s what he says, he said he doesn’t want a jealous girl, jealous for him was not allowing him to date someone else, that you get mad when someone saw him eating out with somebody else (no blood relation) and I was a jealous girl he says.
I remember the first time he broke my heart, my Aunt told my mother that she saw him eating with someone else, the girl was also his patient, and the girl was my Aunt’s neighbor. I felt my hear was stab and twisted I can’t breath, my tears just flow uncontrollably, and I thought it’s too painful for me, never imagine that was just a tip of an iceberg. He explain nonsense and I believed him, it’s easy for me to believe him rather than thinking he really has somebody else aside from me.
One of the biggest heartbreak I had was when I found out that he doesn’t have a girlfriend but a live-in partner, it was really a great shock in my life and really shattered my whole heart and soul, it was November 1995 almost 12 midnight, it was dark because of black out, I was only holding a small flashlight when I answer the phone, I thought it was a prank call from his friends, that time we’ve been together for one and a half year. On the other line a girl ask for me, told me that she was his wife, I was calling one of his friend’s name, thinking it was her, but I was wrong, it’s real. My hands were cold and shaking, I could hardly breathe, it’s like the whole world were crashing and all the debris were on my chest.
How would you feel if you find out that the man you love was living with someone else, no, they are not married, but they are living together for 4 years, no they don’t have a child, but the girl says that they could have if they wanted to, the girl also said that I’m just another girl and I’m lucky that she didn’t come to our house and vent all her anger to me, I told her I didn’t know. I was confused, hurt, humiliated and very much broken hearted. It’s too surreal, I thought it was just a dream, no I wish it was just a dream.
But I woke up each day and realize that it was real, the pain inside me was the proof, I wanted to cry, but I’m afraid my mom would find out, funny isn’t it? I was torn apart and I, still protecting him from my moms outraged. I practice my line, my last words, I kept on practicing, I wanted him to know how much pain he had caused me, how much he betrayed me, how much I hate him for fooling me, that all the while, I’m just his fling? He was my first for heaven sake, I have loved him with all of my heart, how could he do that to me, I never did anything wrong. Then he called… he wanted to see me… so I go and see him…
My heart sank once again as I saw him standing on the door of the emergency room, here was the man I love, the same man who broke my heart into tiny pieces, trying to hide the tears I looked away, I wont be able to see him again, I wont be able to feel his arms ever again, because today I decided to end all of this…
We are seating next to each other, no words in between, just silence, I can’t utter a word, because I was afraid that when I started to speak, I will bawl, yes because my heart is in too much pain, all I want to do is cry. I wanted to say all those words I’ve practice, those lines that would make him feel ashamed and guilty for what he did, but I can’t ... I just stay quiet and wait and wish for him to say “Got cha!” it’s not true, and I love you so much you are my one and only . But those words were not been spoken. Instead I heard him say sorry, sorry he loves me but he can’t leave her, I am the one he loves but he pity her so he cannot leave her, and he asked for some time, he looked at me with those sad eyes, my defenses were all gone, I cant bare to see him sad, I just cant..
So days has pass with that set up, we still see each other and he still lives with her, pathetic right? Yeah that’s what I’am, every time I send him out , when he was about to go home, I look on his retreating back, knowingthere was another girl waiting for him at home, and really… it kills me inside.
There were times when he was with me and the girl will call over the phone and I will heard him say I love you too, I will just excuse myself and go to the bathroom, I don’t want him to see me sad, hurt and crying, I don’t want to burden him, I don’t want to make it hard for him. Yeah pathetic I still think of his feelings over mine. I cherished all the times he was with me, because I know one day and he will be gone, its bittersweet, but most of the time it’s really bitter.
One night he called me on the phone, they were together, he told me he loves me, the girl said”I’ve heard that” they were playing with each other and when she was about to hang up the phone I stopped her, I told her not to hang the phone just yet she said “why?” I said “nothing”. The truth was as pathetic as it can be, staying on the line, that’s the only way I could feel somehow I’m with him.
Things doesn’t turn out good between them, one day the girl left him, and he was devastated, he told me she left because she thought it was me whom he really loves. How could he be so cruel? How could he say those words to me? I told him “why don’t you say it to her?” he just remained quiet. I continue. “I’ll tell her.” He said. “How?” and then that the same moment my heart just broke once again, and I wonder, how those tree letter word could hurt me so bad.
He asked me to go to the hospital where he was working, he gave me her address, he flipped his wallet and says; “Hear she is.” Showing me her picture inside his wallet, “What would you say to her?” he continue. “I will tell her that you love her, it’s her… not me.” And then he said “thank you”. Really I want to scratch his face, but I felt too tired to do that, too tired of being hurt, really it’s tiring..
To be continued….
