You've been great self!

I stumbled upon this old blog of mine, as i was back reading my posts, grabe pala talaga, i was in hell and living with scheming people. I am not in pain anymore but reading those post made me want to tap myself on the shoulder, cry for her, hug her, and say I'm so proud of you! So to anyone who will just meet me, please know that i am like broken pieces put back together, whole but scarred, you may not understand why am i like this like now, but please have an open mind that life was never been easy to me, and I'am just as vulnerable like anyone else.

In my next life

When this life was over, i wish to be born again, can i live a happy life next time? I wish I am still a woman, pretty, tall, smart, know how to sing, dance, play musical instrument, and know at least 5 language, it could be Korean, French, German, English, and my native language, whatever it is. I want to be financially independent at the age of 21, at the age of 23 i already own a house and a car, i will travel in Switzerland, Korea, Taiwan, Europe,Japan, and other places i only see in the internet. I want to be wise, and good at everything. I want to meet a man, who will respect and will love me, only me. I remember when i was young, i already calculated the years i will have a degree, i said to myself, at 19, i will be a registered Physical Therapist, I was full of dreams, until... Now, i don't know , it seems that darkness has been eating me lately, i felt so unworthy and unloved, and a waste of space, oxygen, I just wanna die.

Looking back

Maulan sa labas, malamig masarap mag nilay nilay, I remember having this conversation Me: masama pakiramdam ko, mamaya na lang wala mga bata walang papakainin si 👿 dito 👿minion: bakit anong sakit mo? Me: Allergic sa plastic (pertaining to her)😂😂 Naranasan ko na lahat ng extreme emotions, sa sobrang galit ko nuon parang pag nakaharap ko mapapatay ko. I thank God di pa umabot sa ganuon. I was too naive and gullible back then. Sinamantala nila yun para paikutin ang buhay ko sa palad nila. I loved them hanggang sa mga apo, but they betrayed me and did the unthinkable. Pinanakot nila sa akin ang mga anak ko, i was jobless without a single cent in my pocket, i have nowhere to go. Looking back, malayo layo na din kung ano ako sa dati. I removed them all in my life, minsan may mga communication pero madalang na lang, most importantly, di na nila hawak ang buhay ko. I am still struggling, still in a constant battle, Many times that i wanted to give up and almost gave up, but i know i had to be strong.. when being strong was the only option. So please God, stop na ha🙏🙏🙏 quota na 🤗🤗🤗

Till Then

I know no matter how many times you tell me how much you love me, that wouldn’t enough for you to choose me. A part of me was hurt knowing it all along, but part of me was proud, proud for loving someone who will choose to the right thing no matter what. That is why I am hurting, that is why I am in pain, and that is why I am sad. Because I know if you choose to leave and hurt me, I will still understand. I can’t ease the pain by getting angry with you, but I can only blame myself, for allowing this love to grow selfishly. I love you, please forgive me. For now let me hold you.. let me make myself believe in “us” till I am strong enough to let you go.

A beautiful Affair (After All)

After 16 years i was able to talk to him again, he was a very good friend during college, I was in a painful relationship back then, and he was always there when i needed someone to lean on, he was there listening in my sad stories, never judged me, never said anything just hold my hand and wipe my tears. Our schoolmates thought we were a couple, dahil lagi kaming magkasama at super sweet niya sa akin, sometimes he will skipped his class just to send me home, reason niya nakakatamad daw yung prof. palagi ko siyang pinapagalitan pag ganun, pero ngingitian lang ako, then he will stay in our house para makipag kwentuhan, mommy din tawag niya sa mommy ko, minsan inaabot siya ng gabi sa bahay sa puro kwentuhan lang namin. I have to admit to myself, i like him, maybe if i was not in a relationship there's a chance, and i know habulin siya ng babae kaya i always remind him and myself that we're just friends. hindi ko rin maintindihan nun kung bakit nang may nagkagusto sa kanya, sosyal at magandang babae ay ako ang tinuro niyang girlfriend, kala ko nga aawayin ako nung girl kasi hinanap ako at parang inuri. kapag may nagtatanong sa amin kung magbf ba kami, at sumagot ako ng hindi, mag eemote yan at sasabihing, ahh ganun, ganiyanan , i cant help but smile right now remembering how he used to say that, he was so cute, then sasabihin ko totoo naman eh!poeple gets confused tuloy lalo. One time may classmate ako sa last subject ko na gusto akong ihatid pauwi, (during this time malabo na kami ng bf, because i found out na may ka live-in na pala siya)nang palabas na kami ng classroom, nakita ko siya as usual di nanaman pumasok ng last subject, medyo malayo ang lalakarin namin bago makapunta sa sakayan, kaya ang nangyari tatlo kaming naglalakad magkahilera, sya nakadikit sa akin, ng makarating kami sa sakayan bigla siya nagsalita. " pare sakay na, ikaw saan ka?." sabay akbay sa akin the poor guy was left dumbfounded. sinita ko siya sabi ko hahatid ako dapat nun ba't mo ginanon, sabi niya "bakit ka magpapahatid dun? Hayaan mo siya!" "ikaw talaga! kaya tayo napagkakamalan" as usual dadaanin naman ako sa ngiti and he really can get away with anything with his smile. Days, week had passed he doesnt know na my bf and i already broke up, dumating yung debut ng classmate namin, usapan namin susunduin niya ako kami ang magkasama, and i was glad because deep in me, i'm started to have feeling for him, then the night come, he knock on the door, i opened it with a smile on my face, i saw him smiling back at me and he said. "Sinama ko siya."i forgot the name of the girl he's with, i just pretended to be okay and smiled at her too.. the whole time i was frustrated hurt and disappointed, i felt that it was a sign not to nurture whatever feelings i have for him, so i guarded my heart, i build more blocks on the wall i just started to destroy. Slowly, i made myself distant to him, i intentionally "forgot" his birthday that makes him mad, then we drifted apart. my bf and i before get back together, and we elope, i found out that during that time he was looking for me, because he wanted to invite me to his wedding... Years, and years had passed my marriage was so traumatic, had four kids and i was divorced ( yet another story to tell) we bacame friends in friendster, then facebook, but we really didn't talk, just one time we had a long chat, reminiscing the past, we are so caught up, and the conversation lead to another, he still remember everything, like i do, he was in another country right now, so maybe he was lonely, and i was lonely too, then we found ourselves missing the old days and planning to see each other when he got home.. at first it was just a friendly meet up that we are planning, but as the days goes by it gets deeper,he's calling me to wake me up in the morning and to say goodnight before i sleep. then all of a sudden he said i love you, at first i dont know what to say, but something deep inside me was awaken, i like him i still like him, the feelings doesnt died, after sometime i just found myself saying i love you too to him, from then we live in denial, i was so happy, he made me feel so special and loved, those feelings i'm longing to feel for so long. then he said . "baby ko anong gagawin mo pag nalaman mong nadiyan na ako sa harap ng bahay niyo/" malapit na daw siyang umuwi. suddenly reality kicks in, although i was divorced, but he's still very much married. since then i constantly felt miserable knowing that we have no future. so i texted him, i told him not to call,or text me anymore, i dont know what am i really to him, but we rather stop before we do any harm, and i told him that i treasure all our memories and don't want to ruin it, i want us to remember each other that way. he replied he was happy to be part of my life during college days, and now he was happy na nasabi niya yung hindi niya nasabi nuon college kami, na nuon pa mahal na niya ako, pero di siya nag attemp ipaalam dahil alam niyang may karelasyon ako, at ayaw niya akong guluhin.. Naiyak ako sa sinabi niya,sinabi ko sa kanya yung tungkol sa kasama niya nung debut, kinakapatid daw niya yun at naisipan niya lang isama.. pero sabi ko wala naman magbabago sa realidad na ngayon, after few hours pa lang nagtetext na siya, he said that he missed me so much he can't even smile, i know coz i'm feeling the same way, paunti unti na lang text ko, tapos sabi niya pinarebook niya daw flight niya, para daw mapaaga, baka daw kasi pag tumagal pa di ko na siya pansinin, sobrang dama ko yung lungkot, nakikiusap siya na sana daw magkita muna kami , nagpromise daw ako na magkikita kami, after daw nun dun daw kami magdecide na tapusin na, the truth is i was scared,i might not let him go, and hold on to him pag nagkita kami and i don't want that to happen... nagmessage siya ulit na nagiinit ulo niya dahil naextend pa siya ng ilang week, nagalala ako para sa kanya kaya nagrereply ulit ako sa kanya to keep him calm, then i heard him again planning for our meeting, for us, that he really wanted to be part of my life... then reality hit me again , hard , hard enough that i felt so miserable i cried,i told him that we must stop this, i can't take it anymore, i can't live in fantasy anymore, he also asked me to please let us meet, kundi december january uuwi na siya, pagnagkita kami, kung anong maging desisyon ko daw gagalangin niya, tatanggapin at tutuparin, sabi ko nakikiusap ako , naiinis na ako sa sarili ko, kung importante ako sa kanya, tutulungan niya akong itigil na to, huwag siyang magrereply kung mag text man ako, kasi di ko na kaya yung kahungkagan at miserableng pakiramdam tuwing magsisink in sa akin ang kalagayan niya. At first he still asked for a chance, pero sabi ko di ko na kaya.. I told him not to text me or call me anymore, i even told him not to reply if i text him,i already deleted all his number and mesages on my phone, but why do i feel disappointed whenever i looked at my phone and he has no message, i miss him so much, but i really have to do this, before it went more further and hurt other people. ==== I wish i could live forever in dreamland, where you and i can be together forever, but reality can kick really hard i cannot ignore, that we can never be together Goodbye, baby ko. maybe in another life we can be together forever T_T