Till Then

I know no matter how many times you tell me how much you love me, that wouldn’t enough for you to choose me. A part of me was hurt knowing it all along, but part of me was proud, proud for loving someone who will choose to the right thing no matter what. That is why I am hurting, that is why I am in pain, and that is why I am sad. Because I know if you choose to leave and hurt me, I will still understand. I can’t ease the pain by getting angry with you, but I can only blame myself, for allowing this love to grow selfishly. I love you, please forgive me. For now let me hold you.. let me make myself believe in “us” till I am strong enough to let you go.

A beautiful Affair (After All)

After 16 years, I finally got to talk to him again. He was a very good friend during college. Back then, I was in a painful relationship, and he was always there for me when I needed someone to lean on. He listened to all my sad stories, never judged me, never said a word—just held my hand and wiped my tears away. Our schoolmates thought we were a couple because we were always together, and he was incredibly sweet to me. Sometimes, he would even skip his classes just to take me home, using the excuse that the professor was boring. I would always scold him for that, but he would just smile at me. Then, he would stay at my house, and we would talk for hours. He even called my mom "Mom." Sometimes, our conversations lasted late into the night. I have to admit—I liked him. Maybe if I hadn’t been in a relationship, there could have been a chance. But I always reminded myself that we were just friends, especially knowing how many girls were after him. I couldn't understand why, whenever someone liked him—especially this sophisticated and beautiful girl—he would point to me and claim I was his girlfriend. I thought she was going to confront me when she came looking for me. Whenever people asked if we were together, and I said no, he would sulk and say, "Oh, is that so? I see..." I can’t help but smile now, remembering how he used to say that—he was so adorable. And I would always respond, “But it’s true!”—which only confused people more. One time, a classmate from my last subject of the day offered to walk me home. At that point, my relationship with my boyfriend was already falling apart—I had discovered that he was actually living with someone else. As we were leaving the classroom, I saw him—of course, he had skipped class again. The walk to the transportation terminal was quite far, so the three of us ended up walking side by side. He stayed close to me the whole time. When we reached the terminal, he suddenly spoke up. “Bro, you go ahead. Where are you headed?” he said, casually putting his arm around me. The poor guy was left dumbfounded. I scolded him, asking why he did that when my classmate was just being nice. His response? “Why do you need him to walk you home? Just let him go!” I sighed. “See, this is why people keep thinking we’re a couple.” As always, he just smiled at me—that smile that let him get away with anything. Days and weeks passed. He didn’t know that my boyfriend and I had already broken up. Then, our classmate’s debut came. He was supposed to pick me up, and I was excited because, deep down, I was starting to have feelings for him. When the night arrived, he knocked on my door. I opened it with a smile, and he smiled back at me and said, “I brought someone with me.” I forgot the girl’s name. I just pretended to be okay and smiled at her, too. But the whole night, I felt frustrated, hurt, and disappointed. I took it as a sign not to nurture whatever feelings I had for him. So, I guarded my heart. I built back the walls I had just started to break down. Slowly, I began distancing myself from him. I even "forgot" his birthday, which made him mad. Eventually, we drifted apart. My ex-boyfriend and I got back together and eloped. I later found out that during that time, he had been looking for me—because he wanted to invite me to his wedding. Years passed. My marriage was traumatic, I had four children, and I ended up divorced (but that’s another story). We became friends on Friendster, then Facebook, but we never really talked—except for one time when we had a long conversation, reminiscing about the past. We got so caught up in it that the conversation led to deeper topics. He still remembered everything, just as I did. He was living in another country now, maybe feeling lonely—just like I was. And before we knew it, we found ourselves missing the old days and making plans to see each other when he came home. At first, it was just a friendly meet-up, but as the days passed, things became more intense. He started calling me in the morning to wake me up and at night to say goodnight. Then, out of nowhere, he said, "I love you." At first, I didn’t know what to say. But something deep inside me awakened. I liked him—I still liked him. The feelings never really went away. And eventually, I found myself saying, "I love you, too." From then on, we lived in denial. I was so happy. He made me feel special and loved—feelings I had been longing for, for so long. Then one day, he said, "Baby, what would you do if you found out I was standing right outside your house?" He told me he was coming home soon. And suddenly, reality hit me. Hard. Yes, I was divorced—but he was still very much married. From that moment on, I constantly felt miserable, knowing we had no future. So, I texted him and told him not to call or message me anymore. I didn’t even know what I really was to him. But we needed to stop before we hurt anyone else. I told him that I treasured all our memories and didn’t want to ruin them—I wanted us to remember each other as we were. He replied, saying he was happy to have been part of my life during college. And now, he was happy that he finally got to say what he couldn’t back then—that he had loved me all along but never told me because I was in a relationship, and he didn’t want to complicate things. I cried when I read his message. I told him about the girl he had brought to the debut. He said she was just like a sister to him and that he had brought her along on a whim. But it didn’t change the reality of our situation now. Not even a few hours had passed, and he was texting me again. He said he missed me so much that he couldn’t even smile. I knew, because I felt the same way. I started replying less and less. Then he told me he had rebooked his flight to come home earlier. He was afraid that if he waited too long, I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. I could feel his sadness—he was pleading with me, asking if we could at least see each other one last time. He said I had promised we would meet. And after that, whatever I decided, he would respect and accept. The truth is—I was scared. I was scared that if I saw him, I wouldn’t be able to let him go. And I didn’t want that to happen. He messaged again, frustrated that his return had been delayed by a few more weeks. I worried about him and replied just to calm him down. But then, I heard him planning for our meeting again—planning for "us." He told me he really wanted to be part of my life. And then, reality hit me again. Harder. I felt so miserable that I cried. I told him we needed to stop. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t live in a fantasy any longer. He kept asking for a chance, but I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore. I asked him not to text or call me anymore. I even told him not to reply if I ever texted him. I deleted all his numbers and messages from my phone. But why do I still feel disappointed whenever I look at my phone and see no messages? I miss him so much. But I know I have to do this—before things go too far and more people get hurt. --- I wish I could live forever in a dreamland where you and I could be together. But reality hits too hard for me to ignore. We can never be. Goodbye, my love. Maybe in another life, we can be together forever. T_T

It's just i miss being pursued, being adored and being loved, i was so young when i got married with a man who never treated me close as a human being.. who happened to be the person i gave my heart and soul but saw me as trash. now that i finally let go, decide to gain back myself, and open my heart once again... i realize how vulnerable i am, to those people who sees me as their prey, those men who only wants to play... And it saddened me... really.. because they don't know how much pain i endure, how much tears that i cried and how much courage i mastered just to get back on my feet again :(

let me in

Betrayed

It has been a year since it happened,I was accused of having an affair with another man. The accusation was based on someone allegedly seeing me watching a movie with a man and another couple. I was devastated because my husband believed it. I used to have a four-hour vacant period that I didn’t disclose, simply because I wanted that time for myself to get some extra sleep and review before my second subject. That undeclared vacant period was used against me. From that moment on, everything was taken away from me. My husband took my ATM card and handed it over to my sister-in-law, who now controls our finances. I am left with nothing but ₱100 per day for my allowance. I tried to endure everything, especially now that my sister-in-law and her family are living with us, me and my four children. My husband, who is in the U.S., is responsible for our food, bills, and other expenses, but my sister-in-law is the one managing it. Just recently, I discovered that my sister-in-law had been secretly going through my phone, searching for something I don’t even know what. She even questioned her niece, who happens to be my classmate, about certain names that had texted me, including quotes I had received. Because I had no money and already had a pending pawn even before my husband and I had our conflict, I needed to raise funds to prevent my ring from reaching its due date. I asked my sister-in-law if she could give me my weekly allowance in advance (₱300), since we no longer had duty from Monday to Wednesday. She agreed but told me to ask her niece (my classmate) to lie to my husband if he asked about our schedule. She wanted her to say that our duty would last until the end of the week. My classmate agreed. However, last Monday, my sister-in-law told me that her cousin (my classmate’s mother) didn’t want to get involved. It seemed like such a big deal to them. Then today, my classmate told me that my sister-in-law had called their family and instructed them to tell my husband the truth that we no longer had duty. I found it strange since she was the one who initially suggested lying to him. To make things worse, I found out today that the person who allegedly saw me watching a movie with another man is a relative of my sister-in-law’s friend. Yes, I was there, but I was actually in the SM food court, surrounded by my all-girl classmates. I feel devastated, betrayed, and hurt. My heart aches with an indescribable pain. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. Why are they scheming against me? Back in February, I lost my wallet inside our room, which doesn’t have a lock. Inside the wallet was ₱5,000 meant for my tuition fee. I didn’t know what to think, but I chose to remain positive and refrained from accusing anyone. And yet, this is what I get in return. I want to cry and scream, but I have no one to turn to. I can’t confront them because I have no proof of their plotting against me. I’m also afraid that Jess (my classmate) might take back her words when the time comes. I feel so alone in this battle. My husband,the one person who should have been my rock, chooses to believe them over me. I have done nothing but love him. Since I met him, I have never loved anyone else. I endured so much pain, fought for him, and forgave him countless times for all the wrongs he has done. Why is my sister-in-law doing this to me? Why does my husband always believe her, even when she is so manipulative and deceitful? I feel so helpless. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this…