Betrayed

It has been a year since it happened,I was accused of having an affair with another man. The accusation was based on someone allegedly seeing me watching a movie with a man and another couple. I was devastated because my husband believed it. I used to have a four-hour vacant period that I didn’t disclose, simply because I wanted that time for myself to get some extra sleep and review before my second subject. That undeclared vacant period was used against me. From that moment on, everything was taken away from me. My husband took my ATM card and handed it over to my sister-in-law, who now controls our finances. I am left with nothing but ₱100 per day for my allowance. I tried to endure everything, especially now that my sister-in-law and her family are living with us, me and my four children. My husband, who is in the U.S., is responsible for our food, bills, and other expenses, but my sister-in-law is the one managing it. Just recently, I discovered that my sister-in-law had been secretly going through my phone, searching for something I don’t even know what. She even questioned her niece, who happens to be my classmate, about certain names that had texted me, including quotes I had received. Because I had no money and already had a pending pawn even before my husband and I had our conflict, I needed to raise funds to prevent my ring from reaching its due date. I asked my sister-in-law if she could give me my weekly allowance in advance (₱300), since we no longer had duty from Monday to Wednesday. She agreed but told me to ask her niece (my classmate) to lie to my husband if he asked about our schedule. She wanted her to say that our duty would last until the end of the week. My classmate agreed. However, last Monday, my sister-in-law told me that her cousin (my classmate’s mother) didn’t want to get involved. It seemed like such a big deal to them. Then today, my classmate told me that my sister-in-law had called their family and instructed them to tell my husband the truth that we no longer had duty. I found it strange since she was the one who initially suggested lying to him. To make things worse, I found out today that the person who allegedly saw me watching a movie with another man is a relative of my sister-in-law’s friend. Yes, I was there, but I was actually in the SM food court, surrounded by my all-girl classmates. I feel devastated, betrayed, and hurt. My heart aches with an indescribable pain. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. Why are they scheming against me? Back in February, I lost my wallet inside our room, which doesn’t have a lock. Inside the wallet was ₱5,000 meant for my tuition fee. I didn’t know what to think, but I chose to remain positive and refrained from accusing anyone. And yet, this is what I get in return. I want to cry and scream, but I have no one to turn to. I can’t confront them because I have no proof of their plotting against me. I’m also afraid that Jess (my classmate) might take back her words when the time comes. I feel so alone in this battle. My husband,the one person who should have been my rock, chooses to believe them over me. I have done nothing but love him. Since I met him, I have never loved anyone else. I endured so much pain, fought for him, and forgave him countless times for all the wrongs he has done. Why is my sister-in-law doing this to me? Why does my husband always believe her, even when she is so manipulative and deceitful? I feel so helpless. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this…

sadness

I feel so sad right now, like i'm all alone.. i realize na wala talaga akong makakapitan kung hindi ang sarili ko, sobrang hirap magumpisa, kung mabibigyan lang sana ako ng chance.. Ang hirap... kung sana sarili ko lang iniintindi ko, pero may apat akong anak na dapat i consider, bakit kaya ganun? unfair talaga ang buhay, bakit kailangan palaging ako na lang ang may kasalanan, ako na lang ang masama, kahit di ko ginagawa sa akin ang sisi, napapagod na akong masaktan at tanggapin ang lahat ng masasakit na sinasabi sa akin.. Bakit kung sino pa yung talagang nananakit siya pa yung parang pinapaboran ng tadhana? sana bigyan ako ng chance ni lord ... isang chance lang para makapagsimula... yun lang pls...

my story

As I looked back and remember those things I’ve done for him, I realized that I’ve done so much, as a matter of fact it's too damn much, I even forgot myself, trying so hardto adapt on what he wants and what he needs, all in my mind was, how to make him happy and how to make him satisfied, when he told me that he doesn’t want a “demanding” and “jealous” girlfriend, never really know what exactly he meant that time, he was my first ever boyfriend and I was too young to know how the real world works, later I realized that what he meant for demanding was, not asking for him to be with you and let him see you whenever he wanted or whenever he feels like it, demanding is when you asked him even once in a while to fetch you in school, demanding is when you asked him to meet you even once in a week, so I was demanding that’s what he says, he said he doesn’t want a jealous girl, jealous for him was not allowing him to date someone else, that you get mad when someone saw him eating out with somebody else (no blood relation) and I was a jealous girl he says.

I remember the first time he broke my heart, my Aunt told my mother that she saw him eating with someone else, the girl was also his patient, and the girl was my Aunt’s neighbor. I felt my hear was stab and twisted I can’t breath, my tears just flow uncontrollably, and I thought it’s too painful for me, never imagine that was just a tip of an iceberg. He explain nonsense and I believed him, it’s easy for me to believe him rather than thinking he really has somebody else aside from me.

One of the biggest heartbreak I had was when I found out that he doesn’t have a girlfriend but a live-in partner, it was really a great shock in my life and really shattered my whole heart and soul, it was November 1995 almost 12 midnight, it was dark because of black out, I was only holding a small flashlight when I answer the phone, I thought it was a prank call from his friends, that time we’ve been together for one and a half year. On the other line a girl ask for me, told me that she was his wife, I was calling one of his friend’s name, thinking it was her, but I was wrong, it’s real. My hands were cold and shaking, I could hardly breathe, it’s like the whole world were crashing and all the debris were on my chest.

How would you feel if you find out that the man you love was living with someone else, no, they are not married, but they are living together for 4 years, no they don’t have a child, but the girl says that they could have if they wanted to, the girl also said that I’m just another girl and I’m lucky that she didn’t come to our house and vent all her anger to me, I told her I didn’t know. I was confused, hurt, humiliated and very much broken hearted. It’s too surreal, I thought it was just a dream, no I wish it was just a dream.

But I woke up each day and realize that it was real, the pain inside me was the proof, I wanted to cry, but I’m afraid my mom would find out, funny isn’t it? I was torn apart and I, still protecting him from my moms outraged. I practice my line, my last words, I kept on practicing, I wanted him to know how much pain he had caused me, how much he betrayed me, how much I hate him for fooling me, that all the while, I’m just his fling? He was my first for heaven sake, I have loved him with all of my heart, how could he do that to me, I never did anything wrong. Then he called… he wanted to see me… so I go and see him…

My heart sank once again as I saw him standing on the door of the emergency room, here was the man I love, the same man who broke my heart into tiny pieces, trying to hide the tears I looked away, I wont be able to see him again, I wont be able to feel his arms ever again, because today I decided to end all of this…

We are seating next to each other, no words in between, just silence, I can’t utter a word, because I was afraid that when I started to speak, I will bawl, yes because my heart is in too much pain, all I want to do is cry. I wanted to say all those words I’ve practice, those lines that would make him feel ashamed and guilty for what he did, but I can’t ... I just stay quiet and wait and wish for him to say “Got cha!” it’s not true, and I love you so much you are my one and only . But those words were not been spoken. Instead I heard him say sorry, sorry he loves me but he can’t leave her, I am the one he loves but he pity her so he cannot leave her, and he asked for some time, he looked at me with those sad eyes, my defenses were all gone, I cant bare to see him sad, I just cant..

So days has pass with that set up, we still see each other and he still lives with her, pathetic right? Yeah that’s what I’am, every time I send him out , when he was about to go home, I look on his retreating back, knowingthere was another girl waiting for him at home, and really… it kills me inside.

There were times when he was with me and the girl will call over the phone and I will heard him say I love you too, I will just excuse myself and go to the bathroom, I don’t want him to see me sad, hurt and crying, I don’t want to burden him, I don’t want to make it hard for him. Yeah pathetic I still think of his feelings over mine. I cherished all the times he was with me, because I know one day and he will be gone, its bittersweet, but most of the time it’s really bitter.

One night he called me on the phone, they were together, he told me he loves me, the girl said”I’ve heard that” they were playing with each other and when she was about to hang up the phone I stopped her, I told her not to hang the phone just yet she said “why?” I said “nothing”. The truth was as pathetic as it can be, staying on the line, that’s the only way I could feel somehow I’m with him.

Things doesn’t turn out good between them, one day the girl left him, and he was devastated, he told me she left because she thought it was me whom he really loves. How could he be so cruel? How could he say those words to me? I told him “why don’t you say it to her?” he just remained quiet. I continue. “I’ll tell her.” He said. “How?” and then that the same moment my heart just broke once again, and I wonder, how those tree letter word could hurt me so bad.

He asked me to go to the hospital where he was working, he gave me her address, he flipped his wallet and says; “Hear she is.” Showing me her picture inside his wallet, “What would you say to her?” he continue. “I will tell her that you love her, it’s her… not me.” And then he said “thank you”. Really I want to scratch his face, but I felt too tired to do that, too tired of being hurt, really it’s tiring..

To be continued….

Once again

I reread all my posts once again and realized that nothing has really changed. Well, a lot has changed, but in fact, things have only gotten worse. I feel like I’ve been living a wasted life, drowning in misery, so close to what feels like living in hell. Years have passed since my last post, yet here I am again. I just finished crying, again. For the nth time, I broke down in tears. Why?

My husband accused me of having an affair with my classmate, based on the claim that someone "saw me in a movie theater with a guy." However, he refuses to reveal the identity of this so-called witness, which makes me question whether this person even exists. According to this unidentified source, I was seen with three other people, and we supposedly paired off in twos to watch a movie. The accusation is completely absurd, nothing like that ever happened. I never went to the movies with anyone! His suspicions grew even stronger when he discovered that I had a four-hour vacant period every Wednesday. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone because I simply wanted that time for myself.

I used that vacant time to prepare for my next subject, which required extensive reading. I never thought to mention it to him because I never imagined it could be used against me especially since, in my heart, I knew I had done nothing wrong. There was even a time when I shared my schedule with him, and he bluntly responded, *"What would I do with your schedule? Why are you telling me?"* For context, he has been abroad for five years now. During that time, he has had constant flings, and whenever I tried to confront him in any way, he would shut me down and tell me to stay out of his business. He never truly cared about me. He never made me feel like I was his wife. When it came to family matters, important decisions—any decision, really, he never considered my suggestions, my opinions, or, most of all, my feelings. But to continue the story...

He acts like the victim, claiming that I’m the one fooling around while he’s working hard wherever he is right now. In his suspicion, he took my laptop and recovered all the files, searching for anything to prove his accusations. Among the files, he found pictures of my *classmates* emphasis on the *S*. I had been so excited about finally getting my dream phone that I took photos of my classmates to save their pictures in my contacts. That way, whenever they called or texted, their pictures would appear. But he used that against me. And mind you, the pictures he found were all solo shots of my classmates. If he had found even a single picture of me with another guy, even one that wasn’t remotely intimate, he would have accused me and crucified me for it. If that were the case, I would have accepted any punishment without protest.

He used that against me, piecing everything together to fit his own conclusion. Meanwhile, when I once found undeniable evidence of *his* affair, it wasn’t just a rumor or suspicion, I found an actual videotape of him having sex. Just imagine the difference between the so-called “proof” he claims to have against me and the undeniable evidence I had of his betrayal. Yet, his response was to punish me. He took all the bank cards and stopped giving me money entirely, leaving his sister in control of our finances. It’s not even about the money, it’s about the way I’m being treated over something I *did not* do. After everything he has done to me, all the heartache, the abuse, he still managed to twist the story and paint *me* as the bad person. It’s heartbreaking. It’s unfair. And worst of all, there is no justice. None at all.

The truth about love

Have you ever been watched that movie? starring Jennifer love hewitt. The story goes like this, Jennifer and her friend had a some kinda bet, Jennifer said her husband won't ever have an affair outside their marriage, i guess jennifer found something that leads to suspicion, but still she believes that her husband can't do that, so she pretend to be someone , send a card on her husband signed as anonymous, she talked to him over the phone, changing her voice, and they had an affair, so it was confirmed, her husband was having an affair with anonymous, and so the story goes...


I mentioned the above movie because it was recently happening to me.

My husband is flirting on the net with different women, using friendster, yahoo messenger etc. Funny thing is i culd always open his emails and friendster, that made him furious because i found out what he was doing.

his reasons was, he was so lonely there abroad, that was his divertion, sabi ko sa kanya, hindi ka ba pwedeng maglibang ng di nambababae?

sabi niya, malalayo naman daw yun, wala nmn daw masamang mangyayari dahil sobrang layo, ayaw ko daw siyang bigyan kahit konting kaligayahan, bkit daw pinipigil ko ang mga ganun bagay kung saan siya masaya, bakit daw hindi ko siya hayaan gawin kung anong gusto niya.


makitid at sarado daw ang utak ko, at nababaliw na.



siguro nga, minsan pati ako di ko na maintindihan sarili ko, bakit hindi na lang maging madali para sa akin na tangapin na lang lahat ng bagay na ginagawa niya? bkit kailangan pang maging apektado ako, samantalang wala nmn epekto sa kanya masktan man ako.


so i chat, i create an account, pretending to be someone else, he added me on his friendster and chat with me, i know what he likes so , as i expected kumagat siya,

It was two things why am i doing this

1. he said chatting and flirting was the his thing and it makes him happy,
so iwanted to give him happiness, kung naghahanap siya ng ganun, ako na ang magbibigay sa kanya, sa katauhan ng ibang taong inaakala niya,

2. That was the only time, when i am chatting with him with different id, i can hear his thoughtfulness and sweetness, ang lambing niya kay anonymous, samantalang sa akin hindi, he always said he misses anonymous, while he didnt say that to me anymore, he always said i love you to anonymous, while to me i cant feel it, pathetic because sa paraan mang yun, kahit sa katauhan ng iba maramdaman ko man lng yung pagmamahal niya, ganun ako kasabik sa pagmamahal niya, kung alam niya lang.


but still nasasaktan ako, sa daloy ng conversation niya with anonymous, i still felt cheated, tipong how can he said i love u so easily to other people, so i cant see any value of that word anymore, pag sinabi niyang i love u , parang ganun na lang, ganun lang yun,


ngayon lng ka chat ko siya, he was willing na magpadala ng pera para makabili ako ng cellphone, i mean si anonymous, padadala na siya bukas, i can accept that if i want to, pero hindi, kapag akusap niya ako, madami siyang daing, na nahihirapan siya sa work niya, kesyo di ko na daw alam kung kumakain pa siya, kung saan siya kumukuha ng pera, pero he was willing to give money to anonymous...


i always ask myself why i keep on doing this, chatting with him as anonymous pero nasasaktan lang ako, kasi there i always realize what he was doing to me
napapatunayan ko lng sa sarili ko kung ano siya, but i'm afraid pag hininto ko ito, makatagpo siya ng babaeng kukuha nga sa mga offers niya,

i want to scream , i want to die... god knows i been in misery for long



I found out that i have a high blood preassure, i told him and guess what he said.

"Pa insured ka, di ako papayag na mamatay ka ng walang pakinabang ang mga bata."

Gosh how many times did he have to torment me????